My name's Kait, I turn 17 in less than a week. Up until last night I was dating this guy online who I thought was absolutly amazing.
I'm not writing this because I want sympathy, or pity.
I'm writing this to let people know why the "it won't happen to me" attitude, isn't the right one. If this can help even one person, it's worth the time I'm putting into it.
But I guess I'll have to start at the beginning for this to really make sense...
When I first met Brad, I was a pretty normal, happy, if slightly nerdy, teenager. I'd just finished grade 9 with outstanding grades, so my mom and grandparents pooled some money together and bought me a shiny new laptop. Being an almost 15 year old girl at the time, I promptly put myself on the internet, made an account on a website called TeenSpot (basically, it's a site where teens can go to chat) and started talking to boys.
I stayed innocent on the site, nothing I wouldn't be okay with my mother seeing, but it still made me feel cool to talk to strangers from the saftey of my bedroom. Suddenly I had 50 new friends, many of which I don't even remember.
The only one of those friends I've talked to in the last year and a half is Brad.
A few months after Brad and I met I started dealing with issues with my mom, dad and brother. I developed something like depression (though not exactly the same) and started cutting myself.
Brad became my biggest supporter, he's talked me out of self harm and suicide more times than I can count. He always did everything I could to make sure I knew he cared about me to try to get me to calm down, usually he managed to get me to avoid doing anything too bad (or anything at all).
I had to move in with my grandparents the summer after grade 10, Brad was there for me through the move.
Brad was there for me when I told a boy that I loved him for the first time, and he didn't say it back.
Shortly after the "I love you" incident, Brad and I started dating. This was October 10th 2011.
I was moved to a group home on October 20th. Brad was there for me through it all, we broke up a few times but always managed to work it out within 48 hours.
I was moved into a foster home around February 5th 2012, Brad was there to talk to when I realized that the house wouldn't be a good fit for me.
I broke up with Brad on February 15th when I realized I'd started falling for a boy from my school, I broke up with Brad. I told him I wanted to see where things went with the boy from my school, I was hoping to have a normal high school relationship.
On the 16th I was really upset, and in bad space. I was cutting myself, and considering suicide. Brad was there to talk to me, he told me he'd always love me no matter what I said to him.
I was moved to a new group home, an hour away from my entire life around February 20th. Brad was there to talk to me for the hectic few hours I had to pack and text my goodbyes. He called me and talked to me the whole time, making sure I didn't freak out too badly.
Around April 6th I realized the boy from my school was a total douchecicle, so I got back together with Brad, I'd been regretting breaking up with him anyway.
We talked about him coming to see me for my birthday (which is in August). When I told him he could stay in my grandparents' driveway in our trailer (since they didn't want him to stay in the guest room across the hall from me, but felt bad making him pay for a hotel) he disappeared for several weeks. We talked on May 16th, and I didn't hear from him again until June 9th.
Warning bells had been going off in my head for a while, and eventually I put the pieces together and got one of my mom's techy friends to look up Brad online. Using only the 2 email addresses I had, his name, and cellphone number it was concluded on August 10th that:
-He was 37, not 19
-*drum roll* a father.
What a wonderful way to celebrate our 10 month, by me finding out the relationship was a lie, along with almost everything he'd ever told me.
His middle and last names were fake, I was most definitly NOT the only girl for him, and I'd been in love with a pedophile for a year and a half (I loved him long before I dated him).
My mom called the police on him, and I'm hoping he'll be put on a watch list and that his wife will divorce him. But since he never once asked for pictures, or anything like that, there isn't much to try to charge him on.
Dealing With the Realization
It's really hard to deal with the realization that for the past two years my best friend, biggest supporter and boyfriend were all a lie. I catch myself thinking about Brad as if he's my 19 year old boyfriend, then I start thinking about everything he's lied about.
I think about the big things like his age, and personal information (name, marital status, children), then the smaller things. He told me he hated videogames, we found several accounts on gaming sites. He lied about where he works, which is actually one of the things that led me to request that my mom's friend do the background check. He told me he worked at a grocery store, then a couple months later said he worked at a plastic factory. He lied about a car accident to get out of seeing me this summer (which also ties into the job story, because he claimed to have a concussion and 2 broken legs (along with other broken bones) and yet was still working).
The smaller things hurt the most, it makes me wonder what else he lied about. Did he really hate sports as much as I do? Did he really like the same music I do?
I don't know why I think these things matter, but they're the things that I wonder about when I think about him.
I wish I could send him a message calling him out on everything I found out about him, but I know I should just let the police deal with him. It's just hard when I want more than anything for him to prove he's actually the super sweet, 19 year old boy I've been so close to for these past 2 years.
When I think about him as the man he actually is, I hate him more than anything. When I think about the persona he created to talk to me, I love him so much it hurts... and then it hurts so much more when I remember it was all a lie.
To Reply, or Not to Reply. What a Choice to Make.
So far the hardest part of this has been when he came online tonight (it's currently 1:07AM on August 12th). When he said "hey" I wanted so badly to pretend like I didn't know anything and talk to him about things like I would if it were 2 weeks ago. But instead I just said that I was just about to log out to go to bed, not entirely untrue, I am pretty tired right now. But if I still thought he was 19, I'd probably stay up to talk to him.
I'd resolved not to talk to him, but I'm supposed to act like I don't know anything, so I responded to his message. When he answered my "goodnight" with saying that he assumed I just wanted the relationship to be over, it was a tough choice to make. Should I reply and find out what he's talking about? Or just log out and pretend like I can actually sleep now?
I decided the best thing to do would be reply and act like I don't know what he's talking about, that's what I'd do if I still gave a flying fuck about him. So I asked why he was assuming that I wanted to end the relationship. When I got no answer from him however I just said that I was sick, not in the mood and going to bed. In reality I just set my status to appear offline and went to write this. When the "K" popped up from him though, I wanted so badly to pretend like my phone was popping the messages up so I could question why he thought I wanted to end the so-called relationship. As if in my eyes we're even still together.
As I write this I'm still offline, and unsure of what to do. Should I say my phone is having the messages pop up when I'm offline, so to answer my question so I can go to bed. But my family all said not to talk to him at all, so I guess I'll just stick with my going to bed story and keep my fingers away from the keyboard when it comes to Brad.
Talking to the Police
My mom and I went to talk to the police on Sunday, they made it very clear that as much of a doucheface Brad is, they probably can't do anything. Apparently lying about your age to talk to underage girls online is not illegal. However, if the Ohio police find anything on his computer, they will charge him with that.
I'm torn between wanting them to find something (which would more than likely be child porn of some sort), and not wanting them to for the sake of any other girl(s) he might be talking to.
It's now Friday and there's still no news, so I'm just going to leave it at that for now, and of course I'll update when there's new information.
Happy Motherfucking Birthday to Me
I came home from camping on Thursday (it's Friday) to find two texts from Brad on my phone. I should probably mention that Thursday was my 17th birthday.
The first message said: "Guess u decided u don't wanna talk to me anymore"
The second message said: "But that's cool I guess have a nice life"
What the fuck? Okay... Well, happy motherfucking birthday. Thanks a lot doucheface.
Oh well, I had a wonderful time going to my favourite restuarant with my mother and hardley thought about the douchecicle at all!
Easy to Ignore? Nope.
Brad tried to contact me a few times, luckily he seems to have stopped now, but it's only been a few days so I can't be 100% sure. But he's tried texting me, and he's tried to talk to me on MSN. I made sure I didn't message him back either time, but it was incredibly hard not to. I wish I could call the bastard out on what he's done, but of course the cops would view it as me giving him permission to talk to me... not like the cops seem to give a flying fuck anyway though. Nothing's happened with them yet.
Here are the MSN messages he's sent me (all on August 18th):
so liike i take it u jus want nothing to do w me anymore?
least tell me why u hate me now? lol
dont fuckin bother tryin to contact me again a fter this bullshit
And the text messages:
August 18th 12:25AM:
K I assume we're over
Why do u hate me now
Or u just gunna ignore me forever?
Fine uk fuck u then not that u ever cared much bout us anyway
Goodbye kait I'm deleik this app
The messages were all mad manipulation methods, Brad knows that my relationship with him was one of the most important things in my life. He was everything to me. He was always there for me when I needed him, and I trusted him with everything. Turns out the guy I fell in love with doesn't actually exist, everything he ever said to me was a lie. But when I thought he was 17, 18, 19, he was my everything. I fell in love with him once we started to get to know each other better and I would have bet money that I'd have ended up marrying him one day.
Finding out he lied about everything makes me feel like someone died, even though I know he's still alive. I'm mourning the loss of the boy I thought he was, as much as I'm mourning the realization of who he really is.
It's got to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Made worse by my family not knowing how to help, and the cops not bothering to do anything to try to get his pathetic ass thrown in jail. They haven't called to update my mom or I yet, which means they probably haven't gotten the Ohio police to knock on his door and find out what's up yet.
I wish they'd take this seriously. What he did is a lot worse than if he had a picture of my boobs. He knew I had trust issues, and he got me to trust him. He talked me out of cutting and suicide, he got me to fall in love with him for fuck's sake. But I guess it doesn't matter because he had my so-called "consent" to speak to me.
I did not give 37 year old Bradley W. Copeland permission to speak to me.
I gave 19 year old Brad Franklin Davidson permission to speak to me.
There's a fucking huge difference... So why can't they charge him with something?
Giving Up On Waiting
I decided tonight (August 24th) that I was done waiting for the police to update me, I wanted to call Brad out for being the lying doucheface he is. So I sent a message to his phone from my email addresss (I'm pretty sure he deleted his texting app). I kept it short, sweet and to the point. Sadly the conversation couldn't be the same.
Me: why did you lie to me?
Me: No, it's motherfucking Santa Claus. Yes, it's Kait.
Brad: Bye then u ignored me for weeks n ur bitch ass friend threted to call da cops on me
Me:well, i didnt ask them to. in fact, i had no knowledge of that. and you ignored me for several weeks at a time, what if something happened while i was 'ignoring' you? but before you start ignoring me, why did you lie to me?
Brad: What did I lie bout
Me: it's shocking what info you can find on people when you google their email addresses. i know you're not 19. what did you think you were going to acomplish by lying to me? obviously nothing was going to happen once i figured it out.
Actually I am 19 but whatever
Me: the many accounts that my moms techy friend found for me when your stories started to not add up say that you're in your thirties. and they all have YOUR email address in them. so what's up with that then? if you're really 19.
Brad: Most of the time I just throw bullshit accts together but ok
Me: bullshit accounts talking about a wife and baby? seriously? come on, I'm not stupid.
Brad: But whatever uk it doesn't matter I'm gone
I'd honestly like to see a fuckin link to that one
Me: i dont have the link, my mom showed it to me on her computer. if i had it on my computer, i'd send it to you.
Brad: Lpl k but whatever. I have nothin to lie bout
But what email did she google I wanna see if I can find that one that's a good laugh
Me: she had her techy friend google your msn and your yahoo account. but trust me, im not stupid, if it's not true, you're gonna have to prove it (obviously i mean a webcam). but chances are you won't give a shit about trying to prove it, even if you are really 19. which is doubtful.
fine then, change of subject. what did i do to you that was so horrible while we were dating? since apparently i "never cared about us" and "always treated you badly"
Brad: Doesn't matter anymore
Ok whatever bye
Me: it matters to me. because i honestly didn't think i was a horrible person, but clearly you do. so i wanna know what i did while we were dating that was so damned awful. expecially considering you never once said that you wanted to break up with me. in fact, you always said i was amazing and that you wanted to be with me forever. so what'd i do that was so goddamned awful?
Brad: Other then you acted totally diff after we got back together? But where we I got better shit to do
Me: yeah, well. after we got back together a lot of your stories stopped adding up. which is what led me to look farther into who you were. and obviously im right, or you'd be trying harder to prove i was wrong.
Brad: Cos I mean really fuckin think bout it if I was a old pedo why would I even stayed round long as I have
Me: i don't fucking know. all i have to go on is what i found! do you honestly think that's what i wanted to find? like i said, get your hands on a webcam and prove you're 19, and ill take back everything i've said. if only because i'd feel bad if i were wrong, i have no false thought that if i am wrong we'd work out as a couple... or even friends. but until then, what the hell am i supposed to believe when theres a 50/50 chance of either being true?
Belive whatever u want
Cos I'm sorry I moved on to someone that does actually care bout me
Me: What I want is to know the truth. And if you won't prove that you're not 37, then I guess I have no choice to believe anything other than that.
You know damned well that I cared about you. I thought you loved me, but obviously that was just another one of your pathetic lies.
Brad: K do as u like
Sorry I wasted years of my life on u
Me: Sorry I let you talk me out of suicide so many times, you shouldn't have bothered pretending to care. Then you wouldn't have had to deal with me for so long.
Brad: I did but this n ur friends shit ended that
I did fuckon care u never cared bout me cos soon as u thought some guy liked u there I didn't matter
Me: You obviously couldn't have cared as much as you claimed to if you won't even consider the possiblity of proving you are who you say you are, if only to preserve what little friendship we could theoretically have if that were true.
I wouldn't have kept myself alive for someone I didn't care about. Obviously I was wrong to have ever cared though.
Brad: Nah not after what yr friend said
K whatever why don't u go talk to ur friends
Me: Which is stupid, you can't blame me for what my friend said when I didn't even know they'd said it. I guess I need to stop leaving my phone lying around other people's houses.
because i'd rather make sure i didn't just hit a vein. nice to know you never gave two fucks about me.
This is NOT true! I was simply trying to make him feel bad. That did NOT actually happen!
Me: I'm out of things to say, so I guess I'll deal with what's going on here. I wish I'd been right about who you were though. I honestly thought it wasn't a mistake letting myself fall for you, and trust you. Obviously I seriously judged you wrong (even if you ARE 19). I hope you had fun pretending to care for 2 years. Way to reenforce my trust issues.
Goodbye, I guess
Brad: I always did care but uk I don't put up w bullshit
Me: And you should know by now that there's no way I'd want this to be true, so the one thing I want more than anything right now is for you to be able to prove its not.
And from the things you've been saying, why the hell should I believe that you ever cared?
Brad: Ya but loom at da shit ur sayin
Me: I know. And I get it, but if you really are 19, you know the ideal way for us to end this would be with BOTH of us knowing that. Be it the whole relationship, or just the dating part of it. But the only way we'll ever be able to consider being friends would be if you were to prove (via webcam) that you're 19, and for me to go bitch at my mom's friend for failing at searching your email properly. But If you won't prove me wrong, I have no choice but to believe that you're 37.
I only tried so hard to get you to prove you were 19 (which as I said, there's a 50/50 chance due to facts supporting each chance) because if you don't prove it my mom wants to get the police involved. And I don't want them involved if there's no reason. It'd just be a huge waste of everyone's time. So if you are 19, I'd suggest finding a webcam and proving it to avoid having my mom involve the cops. Because she's not gonna take no for an answer without a damned good reason.
Brad: Well I can't my computers busted anyway so
Me: Well then, I guess my mom's going to the cops. Shit, eh?
Brad: Well did nothing wrong anyway?
Me: I just meant shit, it's going to waste everyone's time if you are telling the truth. But anyway, this whole maybe 37, maybe 19 thing is really making it hard to talk to you, even just to argue with you. If you are 19, then I'm sorry. And if you're not, then go rot in hell. (Just read the one that applies to your age, and ignore the other one). Goodbye.
Brad: K bye
Lol cos oh nos s guy from Ohio kep my daughter from killing herself he should b put in jail Wont go over to good
Me: Maybe not. But "we have facts to support that the guy my daughter's been talking to for 2 years may be a pedophile, here are the links and what personal information about him she knows for sure. You might want to look into if he is or not, because the chances of him only talking to her and not other girls, are very slim" went over pretty well 2 weeks ago. We'll just see what happens. I may have forgotten to mention, my mom didn't want to wait for me to talk to you. She just wanted to get it over with. Now do me a favour, and don't talk to me ever again.
Brad: Don't worry I won't I didn't wanna tonight but u talked to me first k thx
Cos Ik who I am n it's ur problem u don't wanna Belive me
I lied about some things in the conversation, like I have the link to the account that mentioned his wife and baby, I just didn't feel like giving it to him, because it doesn't have his email address in it specifically. There was another account though that proved that one to be his.
I wish I could have gotten the last word, but I was the bigger person and ended the conversation. So it's all good.
Anyway, it's like almost 2AM so I'm gonna go to bed. I'll write more of my drama later :P